So this is actually the same thing as I said on my myspace.  So if it looks familiar just disregard it…  There's so much going on in my mind and maybe that is why I am up at 4:57am.  That or that I took little maybe 5 minute naps during the day and that I got up at 1 in the afternoon.  So on my mind...hmm where should I start?  It's funny to notice that late at night when I can't sleep I tend to think about really deep things like relationships with people, my future, the present, and my past.  I also think about what could've been if I had made different decisions.

So let's start with the major thing that has been so horrible that it has changed my personality...school.  Right now school is not being the normal thing I am used to.  I am not used to not knowing where I am going and being so unsure of so many things about my future.  Damn school for being so competitive that it puts me in a position where I am stuck.  Knowing that I am going to have to put more years than normal into school and being so unsure of what my future holds for me makes me so mad, sad, aggravated, stressed and disappointed at the same time.  I mean all this school stuff has been taking a toll on my life.  The result of school not going right for me is me being short tempered, not easy to get along with, lazy, disappointed, unconfident, discouraged, and unmotivated.  I hate being this way!  I really do and I just can't seem to get a break from more things being added to the list of things that's on my mind.  I worry about how my family is going to react to my failure.  I consider it failure cuz I have a lot of expectations to live up to in my family.  I think anyone who has so many doctors, nurses, people in the medical field, and just plain out smart and successful people in your family would feel the same way.  I don't hold it against them that they are so smart and successful; I just hold it against myself that I am not like them.  I mean I want to show everyone that I can make it and that I can be successful cuz so many people has put me down.  I just want to prove to them and more to myself that I am actually better than what they all say behind my back.  I just don't want people talking anymore about how everyone thinks that I am this smart person when they think that I really am not that smart person. 

It also doesn't help that I feel so alone at times eventhough I have friends, a boyfriend, and a loving family.  I mean at times I really think about who is really there for me.  The friends that I feel like I can trust and who I would actually listen to are too busy for me and I know that they would say that they are there for me no matter what but I just don't really feel like I would want to bother them with what's going on with me.  I feel like there's no one I can REALLY run to cuz no one understands my situation.  I know people try to be there for me but sometimes what their way of being there for me just doesn't help me in any way.  I'm grateful for the thought but a lot of people misunderstand me and when they do that I just get aggravated and feel discouraged to run to them.  Of course I don't tell them so no one really knows what I am truly going through.  I know I may come out as to be this person who is mean but I really just think that I am too honest sometimes.  I guess I should just keep it to myself just so that people don't think I'm being a bitch or whatever.  I mean I say what I think which may be harsh and brutal but it's the honest truth of what I think. 

So another thing on my mind is the relationship I have with my boyfriend.  It's hard to think that I can have so much trust in someone.  I mean I am so confident in him wanting to be in this relationship that it scares me.  I think it's bad to have so much trust and confidence in one thing that it could all blow up in my face.  I mean here I go being so confident when I could totally be blind to what's right in front of my face.  He could be doing God knows what and I wouldn't suspect anything.  I want him to have friends and I don't want to do or say anything that would change that so I try to keep all my worries to myself.  I know that if he knew that I had worries that he would stop being friends with some of the people he's friends with and I don't want that.  I know that if he did that to me I wouldn't really like it.  I don't like having to change my friends just cuz of some insecurity of his or what so I try not to do that to him. 

Sometimes the things that I know go on in his mind hurts.  I know that he thinks certain things about our relationship and us but it’s a whole different thing to actually be assured of what you’re thinking.  Actually having proof that I am right about what I think he’s thinking about is heartbreaking.  I mean my heart really does drop.  At times the relationship seems to go so well that there’s no ending but other times it just seems that things have gotten so bad that it’s all going to end tragically.  I mean we both are stubborn, hot-tempered/headed, hard-headed, and we both don’t change.  These are the things that are not good to have in common which adds to our list of what makes it so hard to stay together.  I know everyone that knows us thinks that we have this great relationship that is always sunflowers and sunshine but it’s really not like that.  Our relationship is more of a rollercoaster…who hasn’t said that before about relationships?  Sometimes I feel so loved and wanted by him and other times his actions are the total opposite.  I just don’t know sometimes.  I don’t know if all this is is just making my life harder to deal with cuz it adds to my worries about my future and school.  Sometimes I think this entire boyfriend ordeal is just too much to handle right now and I should just focus more on securing my future career.  Then there’s the part of me that thinks I’d be crazy to let someone go who can actually put up with me, which is not a simple task.  I’m just waiting for the day where he wakes up and says to himself, “What the hell am I doing?!  I must be crazy to put up with all this shit!”

Well I don’t know anymore.  There’s nothing really in my life right now that I am sure of.  I never felt so confused and unsure about my life before.  Maybe I should just shut up and be happy that nothing is going wrong with my relationships with people.  School is a different story, which I would like to forget.  Christmas just ended and I am grateful for the things I got and for not having any horrible arguments with anyone.  So my rantings and ravings should come to an end now.  Until next time…(at least for the very little amount of people that actually read this)

p.s. - as my xmas gift for everyone here's a little entertainment....

ENJOY!!!

so i am so bored right now.  brian is playing ncaa with our friend brad and we are waiting for our food to be ready.  i haven't updated in such a long time.  let's see what's new...

right now it is about 3 days away from my 21st bday!  but my school is nice enough to have finals during my bday week as a gift for me.  nice arent they?!  i actually have a final the day after my bday so that isnt so nice.

oh but the great thing that happened was that yesterday i was supposed to have an anatomy lab final (if we're taking a science and it has a lab we get to take 2 finals for the course...1 for the lecture and 1 for the lab) AND it started storming snow.  it was actually predicted to have 6 inches of snow fall later that night, which is when my final was.  so me, being myself, didnt study for the final cuz i just didnt feel like it plus i had a final the day before and i still had to do the worksheet due at the final for anatomy, which was 5 pgs long!  the night before the final i actually only got 1 hr of sleep since i was doing the worksheet and then i had to get up for class.  so i was catching up on sleep since i was dying with only 1 hr of sleep and when it was time to go take the final it was already storming really bad.  just think of a sand storm but snow instead.  it was really bad.  so i walk to the final and when i get there there was a post saying, "biol 203 (aka anatomy) lab final CANCELLED due to severe weather!  grades will be posted without the final."  so that means that there is no final for the lab and there is not going to be a rescheduling!  YEA YEA!

brian and i just celebrated our 21 month anniversary on the 7th.  yay!  so im glad we're lasting. 

hmmm....what else.  ill be coming home soon for break on dec.17th.  im glad for that cuz i just wanna get away from school.  i think that's pretty much it. 

and now for some pix...  what better than to have a dedication of baby pix?

this would be edette, my little cousin from the philippines

this is brian's cute little nephew, josiah...too bad we dont got a recent one with his cute big brother caleb

this is caleb like a yr ago though.

and who would this be?  ME of course and my cousins pat and marc when we were babies

this is brian as a cute little toddler!  arent his cheeks big?!

this is me and my cousins from a long time ago in the philippines.

this is ashley, my cousin...she's 13 now...how time passes

this is justin, another cousin...can you tell i got lots?  he's also 13 now

this is andrew, yet another cousin.  he's now 12 i think

last but not least is eric.  he is now 6 i think.

Well that now concludes my post.  Have a great holidays people!